The Sun Still Rises: Surviving and Thriving After Grief and Loss

Years ago there was very popular book out for pregnant women called What to Expect When You Are Expecting. I thought that it was a brilliant book because it let pregnant women know what they could expect each month of their pregnancy. I also thought it was a good idea, because it helped both the husband and the wife know what to expect during nine months of pregnancy. My hope is in this article I can also help you understand what may possibly be your responses to grief. As much as you are grieving, I want you to be aware of the emotions and feelings you're having, but I also want you to know that you're not alone. Many of us grieving people have experienced the same things. Awareness and knowledge is half the battle for overcoming anxiety. So I've outlined for you five possible reactions to grief you may have and how you can handle each one of them should they happen to be the ones that you're experiencing.

The special day blues: Many people who have had a loss experience what I call the “special day blues”. On any special day (like a holiday) or a wedding anniversary, the birthday of the person who passed away, or the anniversary day of their death, it can be tough to deal with. For example my calendar will always have May 4th circled because that is the day that my wife passed. I will never have a May 4 go by when I will not think of what happened on that very day. I have two pieces of advice.

When we approached the one-year anniversary of my wife's death, I called my daughter and asked her how she wanted to handle that day. She decided rather than getting together, that she would just rather quietly remember her mom on that day with her and her husband alone at home. I was glad she said that because I felt pretty much the same way. There is no right or a wrong answer in this equation. It is solely up to you to decide what works for you. I think people also struggle with their loved ones not being with them around Christmas and New Year's and other holidays like Thanksgiving. The first ones are always the toughest but I can only tell you that with each holiday that goes by, it does get easier.

· Jealousy: It seems odd to mention jealousy when talking about grief. But I can tell you (I am embarrassed to admit it but I will) I was painfully aware that I was being jealous and was experiencing the strong emotion of jealousy. I travel often as a professional speaker, and often while sitting in airports across America I would see a happy loving couple who were about my age. The couples that I would see were boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. I could see them laughing and flirting and having a good time and I was insanely jealous. Why did this man still have his wife and I did not? Why was I denied? So I would sit watching the happy couple and feeling angry that they had what I no longer had. But I knew that jealousy is a very destructive emotion and only hurts you and those around you. My advice for handling jealousy is to focus on the future. I would say to myself, “yes you do not have a loved one now to share your life with but you will in the future.” I would also say to myself that I was happy that they had someone to share their life with, and to focus on being happy for them.

Feel like life is piling on: I will admit that there were times in the first couple of months after my wife passed away that I felt like life was picking on me, and piling on. Sometimes I’d say to myself “gee life—is there anything else you'd like to throw at me?” In a several month time frame, I lost my wife, one of my cats died, I had to take over all of the bill paying, and take over all of the housework, had to find a pet sitter for my cats, and the list went on. There were a few days when I sat with my head in my hands because my patience was being tried to the max. My advice if you feel like life is piling on, is to find trusted friends that you can talk to in order to vent, and to seek advice. I found my support system to be tremendous help when I was feeling like life was piling on. Secondly, you can also think “this too will pass” meaning you will eventually get through it all and things will get better. Lastly life is really not piling on—it just happens to feel that way, and sometimes people are put in unfortunate situations that don't seem fair at all, but they are what they are. Keep pushing forward.

· Lack of direction. Sometimes when we have a significant loss in our life it is hard for us to think about what is going to be next. When my wife passed away all of the goals and dreams that we had as a couple were immediately destroyed. Yes, I had goals for myself personally and professionally, but my identity was firmly wrapped around being a married person. Suddenly I was a single person and no longer part of the couple. So many integral parts of my life were suddenly changed. This can lead to feeling like there is no direction in your life, and in some ways that is probably true because you have to recalculate where you're going. In chapter 9 you will see an entire chapter to help you navigate your future and decide where it is you want to go.

· Lack of optimism: When we lose a father, a mother, spouse, or child, it is very easy to say to ourselves “what the heck is there to be optimistic about”? That is certainly a very legitimate question and I can understand why many people feel that way. I have always lived my life as an optimist; I always think that things will go well and things will get better. Even after the devastating loss of my wife I always knew in my heart that eventually I would live a happy life again. So how do you regain your optimism? As mentioned briefly in chapter three one of the things that can help us is to make what I call a gratitude list. This is simply a list of all of the things that you are grateful for that you have in your life. For example, if I am making my gratitude list I could say the following: I am grateful that I am alive, that I have my health, that I have a lovely house, I do not have financial difficulties, that I own my own company, that I love the work that I do, that I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law, I have wonderful parents who are healthy and in their 80s, I am close to my brother and sister, and I have three mischievous, wonderful cats. Sit down with a pad of paper and write down all of the things that you are grateful for. Sometimes when we realize even though we have had a loss, there's still a lot that we do have and we can regain some sense of optimism. Another way to improve your level of optimism is to read books about positive thinking and optimism and how to think more optimistically. Trust me, this is something that you can regain.

You are Not Crazy- Just Human: 5 Possible Reactions to Grief

Shawn Doyle CSP