The Sun Still Rises: Surviving and Thriving After Grief and Loss

I am sure right now you are grieving and devastated. I am sure right now you don’t even think there is a light at the end of the tunnel or there is even a tunnel at all. I come bearing good news. I hold the lantern of hope and I am shining it on you. Do you feel the warmth? There is hope. I can tell you that there is hope because I have lived through losing a child and a wife. You can have hope for happiness in the future. I promise.

I have a very clear recollection of sitting many nights in my living room alone in an empty house reading a book or watching TV. I felt very lonely and sad, and I remember thinking “OK, it has been two months since my wife passed away. How will I be in a year from now? How will I feel 18 months from now? What will my life be like?” It was almost as if I was having an out of body experience, but I was thinking about how I was thinking. I hoped for a bright future but I wasn't sure how I was going to get through grief to get to the other side of my life. But I always had the sliver of hope and optimism. So the purpose of this particular chapter is to let you know that there is a future ahead of you, and I think you can have a bright and hopeful future where you can eventually be happy again. I am living proof of this concept.

So let me give you three general concepts to think about as you are grieving and ones that I hope will give you optimism as you look towards the future.

You are going to be OK. I just wanted to let you know that despite your tragedy and your loss you will eventually be OK. I can't tell you how long that will be or how it will happen. I can only give you tools, tips, and techniques in order to help you on your journey. I hope you will find these valuable for you. When I talked to my Uncle Scott in California about two weeks after my wife passed away, the first thing he said to me on the phone call was “you're going to be OK.” I thought to myself as he said this “how could he possibly know that I was going to be OK? Maybe after all I was going to fall apart or be severely depressed or not be able to pull my life back together.” After speaking with him for a while, I realized as a pastor, he not only had a massive amount of experience delivering sermons, performing weddings, and ministering to his church members, but he also had a tremendous amount of experience counseling people who were going through the grief process and conducting funerals. So I believed him. Now as you read this, I want you to believe me—you are going to be OK. Yes, you will face trials and tribulations. You have several obstacles to face as you go through the grief process, but I believe that believing you're going to be OK is the first step. Believe it—you will be.

One of the things that comforted me during my early days of grieving was reading books about grief. Although that sounds morbid it was a tremendous help because I discovered that I was not alone. I became an avid student of grief literature, carefully reading each book. There were after all many other people on the planet that experienced tragedy and loss that I had experienced as well, and they shared how they handled it. So it was a tremendous comfort to me just to know that I was not alone in what I was experiencing. I don't know if you know this or not, but according to statistics about 2.5 million people die in the United States every year. So you aren't alone—many are experiencing what you’re experiencing at the same time. I want you to try to adjust your thought process and say to yourself either out loud or just thinking it that you are going to be OK. Make it an affirmation. Say it to yourself several times a day and you will believe it.

You can survive and thrive. I know that sounds like somewhat of an arrogant comment. Let me explain what I mean. I survived the death of my wife, and I believe it has made me a better person and a stronger person, which has allowed me to not only survive but thrive. For example, maybe in the past I would get ready to do something and I would delay or put it off. I now have learned that life is short so I'm going to live life to the fullest and if there's something I want to do I don't delay or put it off. I am all about seizing the day!

If I love someone like my mom or my dad, when I'm talking on the phone the last thing I say to them is “I love you.” I tell them that because I realize that there will be a time when I may not be able to tell them. Life is so short. So having survived the grieving and tragedy has allowed me to see the world through different colored glasses, and they are the glasses of appreciation for life. I see the good not the bad. I no longer worry about the small things because I realize the small things don’t matter, and only certain things truly matter. The rest are just minor irritations. My Uncle also gave me another concept which really struck me. When you experience loss, it certainly is a tragedy. There are many negatives about the loss, no question about that. As terrible as it sounds the loss can also offer certain freedoms or opportunities that you would not have had otherwise.

Please don't misinterpret this—I'm not suggesting for a second that I wished for my wife to pass away. Her dying created a lot of loss in my life in so many ways, which I had no control over whatsoever. The flip side of the equation is there were also certain opportunities that were created. Before getting offended by this comment, please think about it. For example if I decided six months after my wife passed away that I wanted to go to Paris, I could. If I wanted to do A or B or C or D I had complete autonomy and independence to do so. I was no longer part of a marriage where we discussed and decided things together. All decisions where now just my own. Please don't miss this point—it’s so very important. Please whatever you do don't feel guilty for having the freedom or enjoying parts of it. You didn't choose it, you didn't ask for it, but it is a reality. So it certainly is something to think about.

You can reinvent your life. I realized after my wife passed away that my life had changed forever, and she was never coming back. That very sad permanence is probably the most disturbing aspect of someone dying. A couple of weeks after my wife passed away I started to think about what I wanted my life to be now that I was living a life without Cindy. I had the opportunity to redraw the entire blueprint of my life. I could reinvent the work that I did, where I lived, who I socialized with, and any other aspect of my life socially, mentally, spiritually, financially, and logistically. The first thing I did is I decided that I needed to lose weight. I thought that the intense focus and concentration of dieting and working out would help me lose weight, have more energy, and feel better about myself. So I literally reinvented myself physically. I signed up for Weight Watchers, followed the nutrition plan very carefully, and worked out on a regular and consistent basis. The good news is I lost a total of 54 pounds, and 9 inches in my waist. The act of reinventing myself physically was a tremendous boost to my energy level, and I felt much better about my image as a person. So I want you to take the time to sit down when you feel ready and look at all of the areas of your life and which of those areas you would like to change or reinvent. Redraw your life blueprint from this point forward. I also believe that the act of reinvention is an act of hope and optimism because it makes everything in life brand-new. After all you can’t have the old so here comes the new.

I also have to give credit to Jai Pausch who wrote the book Dream New Dreams-Reimagining My Life After Loss. You may recognize her last name; she is the widow of the world-famous late Professor Randy Pausch who wrote the book The Last Lecture. You may have seen his “last lecture” on the internet. He was an insightful man. To me one of the key concepts in her book was the idea of reimagining your life or as I refer to it reinventing your life. Think of it as taking your life and pushing the reset button. You had a life with the person that you lost (we can call that life one) and now you have a new life without that person (we call that life two) and decide what you want that life to be. Looking at it in the right way like this can actually be an exciting concept. I also think that it is extremely healthy to realize that I will never have life one again. That life one sadly is over. You can acknowledge it, love it, remember it, cherish it, but it's gone. So now you can march boldly forward and embrace life two. If you take the right approach and attitude it can be very exciting. Also please don't feel guilty about life two. This is not a path that you chose You were put into a circumstance that you have no control over at all. But the one thing you do have control over is how you respond to it and what your life is going to look like in the next phase. Yes, you could be miserable for years and years, and if you make that choice, that's OK. However, I think you can again live a rich, rewarding, and happy life by deciding to embrace your new life and reinvent yourself. We are the only species in the world as far as I know that have the ability to think about our life and to reinvent it. I have never seen a deer decide to be a buffalo, or a turtle decide to be a fish. I have, however, seen many people in this lifetime who completely and utterly reinvented themselves in a positive way after massive tragedy and loss. You can too!