7 Things You
Should Never Say to Someone Who is Grieving
Shawn Doyle CSP
In an attempt to comfort me after my wife died suddenly, many
people said things which were interesting to say the least. I wanted to tell
you what people said, and my thoughts in the hope that it may help you.
1. “I know
how you feel.” No you don’t. I don’t know how you feel and you don’t
know how I feel- so please don’t say that to someone who is grieving- ever.
2. “His/her
spirit is with you.” I had many people in the first few months who
told me “I am sure you can feel her spirit is with you.” I’m truthful in saying
this—I couldn't feel her there—but I did not tell them that. I just gave some
polite response. I can't say that some people can't feel the spirit of the
dearly departed is with them, it just wasn't true for me. So when people said
that, it made me feel a little uncomfortable and awkward because I didn't feel her spirit. Was something
wrong with me? Was I out of touch? For me it was misinformation that I found
confusing and somewhat disturbing. I think it's because the other person is
again assuming what I feel or don't feel.
3.“God
needed another angel.” I do not
believe that God or Allah or Buddha would snatch someone from their family and
cause them a tremendous amount of grief and pain so that they could be an extra
angel in heaven. I don't believe that. That is not the God that I believe in.
The God that I believe in is a kind and loving God.
4. “I have
a message from your wife/husband/loved one.” I had two different
occasions when people felt compelled to sit down and talk to me because they
felt sincerely that they had received a message from Cindy that she wanted them
to deliver to me. I have no doubt these people truly believed they had received
a message from my late wife, and I know that they had pure intentions in
delivering the message. What I found odd about that situation was that neither
one of those people knew my wife or had ever met her. I sat around many
evenings scratching my head wondering why my wife would deliver a message to a
total stranger and not to someone that she had known in life. I decided to
reject the idea that my wife was communicating with me from the great beyond.
If I'm being honest, I also found it somewhat creepy and disturbing and bothersome.
I am still trying to figure why it bothered me. I am not saying what you have
to believe. If someone talks to you and says that they have a message from your
loved one and you believe it to be true, that is up to you. The other reason
that I mention it is that I do not want you to be shocked if it happens to you.
5. “It was
for the best.” There are times when someone is suffering from a
terminal disease such as cancer or leukemia and I know they are suffering.
Because they suffered, people at the funeral or memorial service will tell the
person who is grieving that the person dying was for the best. I've never known
anyone grieving the loss of a loved one who really thought their dying was for
the best. This is another case where people are saying things to try to make
you feel better, but often what they say makes you feel a little bit worse.
Have mercy on them because they do not know what to say, and they feel very
awkward. They are just feeling bad for you.
6. “You
look like you are doing pretty good/ you are holding up well.” I am not
sure how I was supposed to look—unshaven, pale with red eyes? Disheveled and in
my slippers all day? Curled up in a ball? Does the outside of me really say how
I am doing? The outside is not in any way an accurate barometer of what is
going on inside a person’s head. It’s kind of an odd comment, and my theory is that
they are trying to convince themselves that I am OK because I look good. I
never really knew what to say to that one. If they could have only seen me in
bed late at night when I was an emotional wreck—I don’t think they would have
said it then.
7. “It was
God’s will.” I am just a mere mortal, and I have no idea what God’s
will is. I would not ever question him and his will. But when people said that
to me—and it was said a few times—it didn’t make me feel better. I thought “Ok,
so what if it was God’s will. She still didn’t make it—she died—so do I feel
good about that? Nope. What if it wasn’t God’s will and just an accident? I
still felt bad about it. It brought me zero comfort.
So there you have it. Just be there for someone and ask how you
can help them, say you are sorry for their loss or just be quiet and comfort
them.
Shawn's new book on grief is avalable here: http://www.amazon.com/Sun-Still-Rises-Surviving-Thriving-ebook/dp/B00M6G0YBG/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407251820&sr=1-4&keywords=shawn+doyle